Long time readers of The Piss List (AKA Piss Heads) know the tragic, Odyssey like epic story of me, Lou Piss, trying to track down a long lost gem of a movie… I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007).
To recap for the non-Piss Heads out there, I watched this movie roughly ten years ago and thought it was probably the worst movie I had ever seen at the time but I remembered Paul Rudd being absolutely hilarious throughout the whole movie. Since watching I Could Never Be Your Woman, I have seen multiple movies that are worse – Scalpers (2000) and Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) but this movie became my white dick and I it’s Captain Ahab after I couldn’t find proof anywhere that it existed.
I hired private detectives, I dropped out of college, I divorced my wife, I abandoned my kids, I didn’t have sex (unrelated), my parents disowned me (happened well before my hunt), and I watched 200 Cigarettes 40 times and This Is 40 200 times but all to no avail. I just could not prove that the movie existed.
I started to lose my sanity (how can you lose something you never had? Shut up mom and get off my computer! I am typing this story). I started to question if I had simply fever dreamed an entire movie. Then, nine years after first starting my quest, I discovered the movies existence. By adjusting my search parameters from “shirtless Paul Rudd” AskJeeves image searches to “Paul Rudd sex scenes deepfake” Bing video searches and then finally to “Paul Rudd IMDb” Google search, I confirmed that I had not imagined this movie. That it truly happened. That some movie studio was insane enough to make it and Paul Rudd was ballsy enough to star in it (speaking of Paul Rudd’s balls, I hear they are pristine and wrinkle free) was true and I was not crazy.
So I hopped onto the Dark Web and found three used copies of I Could Never Be Your Woman, I whipped out my girlfriend’s debit card and bought it. Free shipping (balling on budget) so it would be here in 5-8 days. After five days, no DVD. After eight, no DVD. Ten days later, no DVD. Had I imagined purchasing the DVD too? Was this all some cruel joke to make me think that I was crazy? Was Big Paul Rudd behind all of this? Did Paul Rudd not want me to fall in love with him even more? I call Amazon customer support to get to the bottom of this. A man with a strong Indian accent tells me his name is John. John is helpful but he informs me that they lost my copy of I Could Never Be Your Women (proof that I did not imagine ordering this DVD) and cannot find another one to order me so they will refund my money. I tell John not to worry since it was my girlfriend’s debit card and I don’t care if they give her $3.78 back.
Heartbroken and in despair, I decide to give it one last chance. I find another used copy of the DVD (there was also a French language version that was really tempting but the only thing I know how to say in French is fries) and I order it. Five days later it arrives. My long battle has finally come to an end. I have found my big white Dick and I can’t wait to stick it in, play it, and be pleasured.
The movie is worse than I remember. All of this effort has not been worth it.
If anyone is interested in purchasing a DVD copy of “I Could Never Be Your Woman” please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.