It may surprise you all to learn this, but the Piss Man does not have any in real life (irl) friends. I will give you a moment to come to grips with such shocking and unexpected news… This story is not about a gross, irl friendship, this story is about the real real world – Twitter.
A long time ago when the world was simpler, when we ignored drone strikes in Pakistan because our president could throw a ball through a hoop and a tweet was 140 characters, there existed a man name @mufasfa. There also existed a better looking but less funny man named Piss. Piss and Mu had never met and the only friend that they had in common was fate and, little did they know, fate was about to setup a meet cute that would make Nora Ephron jealous.
Sadly, because Mu is coward – or, how Mu would say it, was worried about his “mental health” and hated how Twitter made his “brain bleed” – we will never know what Tweet it was that brought them together. But at some point, the main character of Twitter for that day had said some really dumb shit and both Mu and Piss, ever hungry for followers and validation, were hopping in on the layup line. From what I can recollect – which is almost nothing for I am a massive dumb shit – I saw Mu’s reply to the tweet and found it very funny. So, as I often do when reading a funny reply to a viral tweet, I went to his Twitter feed to see if the rest of their tweets were funny. Once I was on twitter.com/mufasfa, I realized I was getting to peak into the mind of a genius. Not a genius in a useful way like Albert Einstein, Jeff Bezos’ wife, or Air Bud, but in a way that allowed him to write short jokes that one hundred people could read for free. Genius like this only comes around once every thousand tweets or so, so Piss smashed the mf follow button right there on the spot.
As for Mu, it is impossible to know what on the Piss Stream made him want to follow back. Perhaps he thought that clicking the follow button meant it would make Piss have to follow the Twitter guidelines and, when he didn’t, they would ban his account. Or maybe he mistook the Twitter avatar of Lou Dobbs with the word ‘PISS’ written over his face as the real Lou Dobbs and was getting ready to bully him relentlessly. Whatever the reason may be, he did the gentlemanly thing and followed back.
Smash cut to two years later and the pair had become as thick as thieves. Thieves who routinely robbed a honey glazed ham factory and did body squats in their free time. Throughout the hundreds of tweet replies, the thousands of DM’s, the exchange of mutual followers, the million favs, and the one RT, they had still not learned each other’s real names. Which is all fine and dandy because, online, they were just Mu and Piss. But then the day came. The darkest day in the Piss Cinematic Universe. After a day or two of not seeing any Mu tweets, Piss checked his account to only see that it was gone. Piss waited a few more days to see if perhaps Mu was banned for speaking truth to power – aka tweeting Big Bird’s credit score at Jim Henson – but it appeared that Mu had all but vanished.
Piss was crushed. Of his four grandparents three of them were dead, but the only one that really whipped ass was still alive so he had never lost someone that he cared about before. In a desperate search for answers, Piss turned to a mutual who he had known irl (@BubblyNicky) and asked what had happened to Mu. She sat Piss down and broke the terrible news to him. But, casually, she dropped a crumb of hope, which Piss devoured like it was a really fat ass. BubblyNicky had gotten Mu’s real name and his real life phone number! Which she passed onto Piss. The Teriyaki Boys (we named ourselves this before we knew the Teriyaki Boys already existed because we both think water is a government hoax to make our penises smaller so we never drink it and both of our urologists have compared the color and consistency of our piss to that of teriyaki) were reunited once more!
Please excuse the following paragraph for much of the personal information has been redacted:
Fast-forward through a couple of days of terrible riffing on each other’s jokes… Piss happens to mention that he almost [competed in a sport] against [obnoxious online personality] but [obnoxious online personality] lost before it could happen. Piss then snapped Mu photo evidence to support his claim, to which Mu responded “you went to [name of high school] high school?!?” which caught Piss off-guard because, as far as he knew, Mu lived multiple states away and even people within the same state as Piss had never heard of his high school. Mu followed it up by saying “Go [school mascot]!” How had this man from [shitty state] not only heard about random [name of high school] in [other shitty state] but also knew they were called the [school mascot]s???
Strap in for a very insane coincidence:
Mu, prior to being 21, had purchased a fake ID. But, obviously, using an out of state fake was better because it made it harder for bouncers to authenticate it. Mu had chosen Piss’s [other shitty state]. Ok so that chance is 1/50 which are not great odds, but they are decent enough. When Mu’s fake ID dealer asked him to pick his hometown, Mu picked Piss’s hometown of [town name]. After a quick Google search, the chances of this happening are over 1/245. That is pretty wild but, again, it happens. When asked to pick the street that Mu grew up on, he picked [name of street] which is the same street that Piss grew up on. After a quick Google search, the chances of this happening are over 1/530. Ok that is pretty nuts. What are the chances of that? Oh wait I already told you. When asked to pick the house he grew up on he picked Piss’s house!!!! Just kidding he picked one two houses down from Piss! Which, after a quick Google Maps search and some counting, I now know the chances were 1/72. Obviously pretty good chances on the micro level but, with all things considered, very wild!
“Of all the houses on all the streets in all the cities in all of the states, he picks my neighbors” Pissphrey Bogart
It is now New Years Eve eve eve in 2018(?) and Piss is visiting BubblyNicky in Chicago to be her guest at her friend’s wedding. Mu, being from [shitty state] is within driving distance to visit as well. BubblyNicky and Piss get pizza, get drunk, and watch a movie. BubblyNicky goes to bed because she has work in the morning, Piss falls asleep on the couch because he has nothing better to do. Piss is awoken to a knock at the door. He looks over and sees BubblyNicky’s roommate (who Piss only briefly met) open the door. From the best that I can recall, here is how that conversation went…
*door opens* Mu: [silence] Roommate: [silence] Mu: is [Piss’s government name] here? Roommate, not remembering my name: [silence] Me, on couch by door feeling too awkward to say anything because I didn’t want it to seem like I invited a friend over to someone else’s apartment: [silence] Roommate: uhhh Me, after gathering my courage: he is here to see me Roommate, looks at me confused but opens door all the way for Mu: oh ok –fin–
Wow, this is by far the longest Piss List entry and all for a story that could have been told in two or three minutes. But I do not write this blog to be succinct, no I write it for the same reason anyone writes anything… to force friends and family to read it and feel obligated to say they liked it.
However, in the interest of brevity, I will meat and potatoes the rest of this story: BubblyNicky, Mu, and Piss get very drunk at house party. Someone insults Mu’s weed and makes Mu very sad and makes Piss hate that person. Piss and BubblyNicky went to the wedding. Piss got locked out of the house they stayed at, his phone died, and he wandered the streets of the city neighborhood trying to find a bar where he could charge his phone in 10 degree weather.
Adding this because it is one of my favorite memories: Mu and BubblyNicky came to visit Piss a couple of winter ago and decided to visit Mu’s childhood home to take pictures before going out for a night on the town. Here are those pictures (faces and identifiers removed for anonymity.
Thanks for reading! Will get back to your regularly scheduled Piss content soon!