- 3) The Ideal Interior Designer also known as Wes Anderson… I will sit completely still in the most uncomfortable pose for hours on end if it will make me look like a shot from Grand Budapest Hotel. I will pay for an extremely expensive surgery to turn my body into clay if it means resembling a scene from Isle of Dogs. I will become a furry and yip to my hearts content if someone may mistake me for The Fantastic Mr. Fox. I have precisely $8 to my name and have only watched HGTV once so I am not sure how much an interior designer costs but I will smoke 16 packs a day until Make-A-Wish lets me guilt Wes Anderson into designing my study for me. First thing I have to do is make enough money to buy a house. Second thing I have to do is learn to read so I can justify having a study. Call me pretentious. Call me pedantic. Call me whatever because I don’t even know what those words mean. Moonrise Kingdom pretty : – )
- 2) The Edging of the Sports World also known as Soccer… Every ten seconds you’re scoring. Am I talking about me in college? No. I am talking about basketball. Javale McGee hits a 10 foot jumper and I yawn. Damian Lillard hits a three from half court and I’m like oh wow that is neat. Spencer Dinwiddie scored a reverse layup and I think wow can’t believe a guy with such a white sounding name isn’t moving the rook to knight queen five or whatever. Sorry I fell asleep during the Queen’s Gambit. I want a sport where I wait 67 minutes for a team to finally get a chance at scoring before a guy wearing pants and gloves fingers a ball into the stands and that is the best thing that happens all day. This is not sarcasm. I am a person who REGULARLY watches “best assists” compilations on YouTube or “40+ BRILLIANT Goal Line Clearances in Football Insane Defensive Saves” videos. Scoring is for people who like attention. Soccer is for the people who play NBA 2k13 on Xbox 360 because they are poor and they like developing compelling storylines that play out over Association Mode. That is where the real fans dwell. So take your 126-125 triple OT games and shove em. I want my shit to end in a 0-0 draw that some team advances from because they had one shot on goal before the 30 minute mark. Hockey could fall into this category BUT THE PUCK IS TOO SMALL!!!!!
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is Leaving a Garbage Area for a Short Period of Time before Returning Back to Said Garbage Area also known as Traveling… My idea was to get absolutely mf yammered and then hammer out a great Piss List and so far phase one is going great. This morning I woke up and had a dollop of leftover spaghetti and then immediately started consuming whiskey. I spoke to a therapist about a week ago and she showed concern for my drinking but every great artist had their vice. Bowie did cocaine. Hemmingway loved to drink. Sylvia Plath was an avid baker. This has nothing to do with the Lou of the Week I am just stream of consciousness typing. Back to the matter at hand. I live in a shit city. There are Trump flags and masks everywhere. I try to stay apolitical but I feel like this is a safe enough space for me to admit I am not crazy about Donald Trump. Hate to alienate and lose any Piss Heads out there who support the Frozen Water Police but I just have to use my position as an online influencer to do good. This is all to say that my hometown sucks. We got rivers full of water and fish and I hate that shit. We have one bar and zero ice cream shops. We got a Dollar General and people went wild. So getting out of this town is my favorite shit. That is why I love Traveling. Going to Chicago and eating New York style pizza? Yes please. Going to Tulsa and launching Bird Scooters a quarter of a mile? Trip Advisor says uh huh. Jaywalking in Montreal and mocking the French accent of the police there? Wii.
- 3) Boring, Married for 30 Years Missionary Sex of the Sports World also known as Baseball… I hate sex. Unless it is really good sex then I guess it is ok. You would think my love of the mundane and my hatred of pleasure would lend itself perfectly to baseball but god damn I hate it. Mookie Bets? That is an Italian bookie’s name. Prince Fielder? Plantation royalty. Babe Ruth? That is a candy bar. The only person who did baseball right was Doc Ellis. You should have to be on hallucinogens to play baseball because you have to be on them to enjoy it. As the greatest living American blog writer (me) once said… I don’t know how anyone can enjoy a baseball game without getting drunk and I don’t know how anyone can afford to get drunk at a baseball game. Season ticket holders in baseball are more elite than dressage enthusiasts. The most interesting part of baseball is when the pitcher has two strikeouts and you’re waiting on the third praying that the guy hanging K’s is drunk tonight and forgets to put the third one backward and you can FINALLY cancel the Atlanta Br*ves.
- 2) Big Cylindrical Covid Tubes also known as Airplanes… New air is for the short guy with the Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond haircut in The Lorax. Ideally, a stranger would exhale directly into my agape mouth. I am a pull yourself up by your own bootstraps kind of person and breathing in fresh air is for hippies and the coastal elite. I miss the good old days where airplanes were filled with smoke and people’s germs. Fly me to the moon? For someone who loved talking about flying Frank Sinatra did not know shit about it. Hi I am a single mom with two kids and I am overdrawn by 78 cents and the bank is going to take both of my children and sell them to Elon Musk. Hi my name is [Delta] and because of Covid I am a teensy weensy bit in debt and owe the bank $78 billion can you pwease give me a bweak? While the airlines suffer, my small business where I cram 100 people into my Ford Explorer and drive them from Houston to Chicago but first take a 3 hour break in Atlanta is really thriving.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the Unnecessary States known as Indiana and the Ilk… Fuck Indiana. For so many reasons that I cannot get into right now. Just know there can be an entire Piss List all about Indiana. But it isn’t just Indiana. It is is every state that I personally do not care for. The list is constantly changing and growing but so many states are just in the way. The founding fathers just had OCD and were like 50 sounds nice. Nice and even. What a dumb reason to have so many states. We just need like 15 tops. Boston is its own state because no one wants it. The entire northeast is just known as New England. Florida is its own state but it is surrounded by Florida Lite. The Midwest can just be Ohio. Combine North and South Dakota into nonexistence. I don’t have it all worked out what do I look like a cartographer? The point stands that there is too much going on. I can’t keep track of all these people. TL;DR puck too small, country too big.