- 3) Craig’s List for people who do not want to be murdered also known as Facebook Marketplace… Cheap shit? Who doesn’t love it! Getting murdered? Umm, check please! I like to think of early 2000’s Craig’s List as a really shitty lottery. 99.9% of the time you got the 2 foot x 3.5 foot plastic bin full of Beanie Babies that were deemed “too sexy” for public consumption that you were promised when you met this stranger behind the abandoned Radio Shack an hour away from your house. But, that other point one percent of the time? You got murdered. Which is bitter sweet because sure you were dead but you were about to go 2002’s version of viral – people forwarding the email with the news clipping of your gruesome death to coworkers but the chain gets so long that you have to scroll down for six minutes before you even get to the headline. You win some, you lose some. But its 2020 baby, we live in a world where you give total trust to complete strangers who were vetted the minimum amount required to help billion dollar corporations avoid a lawsuit on the daily. Let this guy who you didn’t know existed five minutes ago drive you home because you’re too drunk to walk. Let this stranger who got hired by sliding into Door Dash’s DMs and asking for a job have sole possession of your food for 20 minutes. Go to a stranger’s house in another state to buy a $50 desk because you met him on Facebook – a website designed specifically for normal people. It is a beautiful world we live in. I have never seen so much of other people’s shit for such a low cost. My apartment is filled floor to ceiling with reclaimed table saws. But the best part of Facebook Marketplace? Getting to message random strangers the capitalist version of you up? Sometimes I just go from item to item messaging the owner “is this still available?” just to feel something.
- 2) The man that everybody loves also known as Ray Romano… Who would have guessed that the Italian Dan Nainan with a voice like a trombone would be able to make everybody fall in love with him? Whether it was us following along as he played a less hairy version of himself trying to get laid in Ice Age or a more Italian version of himself in The Irishman, one thing remains true… We all love Raymond. Our country has never been as divided as it is right now. You have the Proud Boys and Q Anon on the far right and you have uhhh hmmm let’s see you have people who *checks notes* hate fascism and think black people should be alive. Ok yes those are the same things to me. Joe Biden, if you are reading this, the only way to bring this country together is to appoint Ray Romano as the newly created Secretary of Getting Along. If Raymond cannot save this country, nothing can. Also he is pretty good in Big Sick and the last time someone we had someone in Washington DC who was pretty good in the Big Sick was when Kumail did an interview at NPR in 2017 which we all know was a great time to be American.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is our right to the pursuit of happiness also known as Bribes… Every week I Venmo my girlfriend $75 to keep dating me. Every week she Venmos me $25 for us to keep the relationship long distance so she doesn’t have to see me or spend time with me. When I finally get promoted to head Piss and Shit Boy at Porta Potty Land, I will be making enough money to bribe her into being my wife (provided she does not also get a raise and bribe me into breaking up with her). This is the way the world should work. The idea that the rich – who are inherently better than the poors – should have to live by the same rules as the rest of us is communism and socialism and also quite possibly reverse racism. Anything you want should be available to you given that you have enough money to buy it. Your fathers love and respect? $12,000. Dumping waste straight into the Great Lakes? $6 million in campaign contributions. Writing a guest article for the Piss List? $20. If you have the money then the world is your oyster and seafood is always on the menu.
- 3) The existential dread that fills our entire life also known as Politics…Piss Heads, I am not a political person. The only policies I support are be nice to me and bring back Detroiters. After that I can give a rat’s dick what else you stand for! Never ending war? Fine. Billionaires get to hunt and kill poor people? Ok. Want to put a got dang Cheeto in the white house? Cool with me. As long as no one is bullying me and Sam and Tim are back to creating hijinks in the city of Detroit. But it just seems like I cannot get away from politics anymore! Whether I am listening to my favorite band, Rage Against the Machine. Or watching my favorite TV show, The Handmaids Tale. Or listening to my favorite standup comedian, Lewis Black. I am trying to escape the real world and enjoy some apolitical entertainment but I just cannot stop politics from worming its way into this politic free zone! It is almost as if politics are extremely important and that just tuning it out and not paying attention to it is actually kind of a selfish and privileged thing to do but that can’t be right so I am just going to keep yelling at people to shut and play their instrument or stop trying to drag politics into a show about men having complete control over women or remembering when comedians used to tell jokes.
- 2) The dumbest idea since unsliced bread also known as Daylight Savings… We have been saving daylight since 1918. That is over 100 years of saving daylight. Don’t you think we have enough of it by now? What are they putting it away for a rainy day? Cause that doesn’t even make sense. I don’t want to start a conspiracy theory here but who is even getting all the saved daylight? I sure as shit don’t see any of those savings. The average American certainly does not. So, who is reaping these rewards? I will tell you, the Tanned 1%. I spend the months of November to February seeing precisely six minutes of sun that is not coming through a window and I contemplate the sweet release of death all while these large tanning bed corporations profit off our hard-earned daylight. It is time for the pale to unite and rise up to overthrow the wrinkled, dry oppression of the tanned. For too long these tanned bastards have been hoarding our daylight while we toil away in darkness and depression. I dream of a world where we all share the profits of the sun (not to be confused with my now defunct Christian metal band Prophets of the Son) and live in its warm, glowing embrace together. Until that day, I will be protesting in front of the Palm Beach Tan on West and Main for 30 minutes every other Wednesday during my lunch break for as long as winter lasts.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the vilest display of human confidence also known as Nudity… Do I enjoy seeing big swinging tiddies and huge flopping hogs? Yes. I am human after all. But they should always be covered by at least six layers of clothing. There is nothing sexier than the imagination. That is why I am always so horney during scary movies before they finally reveal the scary monster but the moment I see the Babadook I… well hold on that is a bad example… As soon as I see the well girl in The Ring, I am no longer moments from borking off. It is all about leaving it up to the imagination to fill in what might be under all those layers. Why do you think nuns and the actress inside the Baby Bop costume on Barney are considered to be the sexiest people? Now, I know what you are thinking, Mr. Piss I know for a fact that you have masturbated before. First of all, please use the medical term “cranking off” and second of all yes, that is true, I have pushed white in the comfort of my own home. But I only do it to videos where the man and the women have sex through a hole in the sheet. My wife is possibly the sexiest woman alive. I say possibly because I have no clue what she looks like from the neck down. We have been married for over 15 years and the closest I have come to seeing my wife fully naked is when she took off her first layer of socks last winter because the fireplace was making her feet sweat. It took me months to find her attractive again.