- 3) When the Grim Reaper is kind of nice with it though also known as When Awful People Pass Away… I am not a violent person. If I were a UFC fighter I would simply kiss my opponent into submission. But boy howdy do I like it when a real piece of shit dies. I didn’t do it and if you think that I did you can talk to my lawyer, who is me (God bless the 6th Amendment). The only way I am guilty of murder is if me thinking “Hmm it would be very funny if Herman Cain died from supporting Trump too much” is what killed Herman Cain. And in that case… “Hmm it would be very funny if everyone gave me $10,000.” People try to make me feel bad for being happy about it. You shouldn’t wish death on anyone? ANYONE? Really? What about Hitler? Or what about Harvey Weinstein? Or my neighbor’s kid Antony who keeps sneaking into my house at night and subscribing me to the New Yorker? That little prick ass hole is bankrupting my family and making me feel dumb for not getting the jokes!!! You are going to say that it is not ok to be glad that any of those equally piece of shit people passed away? In ending, I would like to share some powerful words in remembrance of one of the truly funniest things to happen in2020, the year of our Lord:
“Richard Rose in April posted on Facebook that he would not wear a mask.
In an unlikely turn of events, he lost his battle with COVID-19 three months later.”
REST IN PARODY RICHARD ROSECleveland 19 News
- 2) Spending the extra two dollars to feel like a titan of Hollywood also known as Paying $5.99 to Own the Movie Instead of Paying $3.99 to Stream It…I watched this movie a couple months ago called Going to the Mat. Let me tell you, that movie is wild. It is one of the top 10 worst movies I have ever watched and I am the guy who watched Monkey Up and Russell Madness (in my defense, I am a huge Crystal the Monkey head). As I was watching the main character (who is blind) yell “what are you, blind?” at his new band teacher who is both Wayne Brady and also blind, I thought to myself boy this movie sucks I wish I owned it. It is truly my life’s biggest regret. But, luckily, I learn from my mistakes (ex. the time I tried growing a man bun) and I now purchase any movie that costs a dollar or two more to own than to stream and thanks to this new practice I am now the proud owner of Dogtooth, Opening Act, Frankenhooker, and many more wonderful films. As the sole owner of these masterpieces, I feel I am really carving a place out for myself amongst the Hollywood elite. Now if I could only get my hands on 8 to 10 gallons of Adrenochrome and make a really cringe-worthy video to help save the world then I will have truly made it.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is really sticking it to capitalism also known as Boycotting Stores for Really Petty Reasons… I am talking to you Freddy’s Steakburger, Meijer, and that local ice cream shop that once charged my dad 25 cents for a cup of water when I was a child and no one in my family has gone back to since. I hope you fucken die [redacted]. I do not want your targeted ads. Do not bring them near me or I will scream. I do not care about your brand new location in my area Freddy’s Steakburger you piece of shit Culver’s rip off. Hey Meijer, I am really thrilled that you are here to kill Aldi – the only pure corporation on the planet – but I do not need to be told every five minutes that you are here to “slaughter all mom and pop businesses within the tri-state area”??? And look, yes I went in your store one time because my dad and I had started getting wine drunk and decided we wanted to make bruschetta so he took me to your store and yes it is very nice and has everything I need in one place and I would love to get 15 pounds of walleye for a nickel but I have made the conscientious choice to boycott your store. And like the modern day Muhammad Ali that I am, I am prepared to face the consequences no matter how dire they will be.
- 3) All I really don’t want to know I learned in kindergarten also known as Learning To Read… Many people will contend, when asked what the most important thing they learned in school was, that reading or writing or math were the most important thing they learned in school. I, however, would contend that it was learning how to get past parental controls on my computer when I was in 6th grade so I could stop looking up random things and scouring Wikipedia for entries that would sometimes have a picture of boobs in them (is this is too specific to not be true? You tell me). But to any of you dumbos out there who are truly grateful to know how to read, ask yourself one question for me… if you couldn’t read, would you be wasting your time reading this stupid fucken article that a massive dumbass wrote? Checkmade. Imagine you are at the local park and someone is yelling at you for stealing a treat right out of their dogs mouth because you ate a Milkbone Brushingchew before a first date one time because you had run out of toothpaste and had just eaten a large bowl of garlic cloves and you actually really liked the taste and the way they made your mouth smell minty fresh but you don’t have a dog and you are pretty sure the guy at the checkout counter at the pet store knows that since the last time you were there you were nervously making small talk and mentioned that the treats tasted delicious and when he gave you a weird look you said your dog told you that, then clarified that he didn’t actually say it because dogs can’t talk but you told him you had taught your dog sign language and when he asked how a dog could sign with paws you told him the dog was half capuchin monkey and had opposable thumbs which he actually seemed to believe until you mentioned that the dog’s mom was actually Crystal the Monkey (cause you are such a Crystal the Monkey head) and he didn’t believe that you were cool enough to own a dog that was related to Crystal so now you are afraid to go back and try to buy more dog treats so you have to resort to stealing them out of dog’s mouths when their owners are not looking and as they are yelling at you and asking wtf you are doing you can just tell them that you didn’t know any better because you can’t read.
- 2) The ultimate experience in edging also known as Netflix and Their Original Shows… Mindhunter. Teenage Bounty Hunters. Ozark. Dead to Me. Glow. Love. Dear White People. American Vandal. Master of None (canceled for other reasons). All of these shows gone too soon. It is the equivalent of a sex act like… let’s say… uh missionary where you are about to cumb and then your wife gets a phone call from her karate instructor saying that his sparring partner called in sick tonight and he needs her for a late night training session as in you were really enjoying everything that was happening and then all of a sudden it is done before it reaches a satisfying ending. I loved all of these shows the same way I love doing sex with my wife but imagine you’re having missionary sex and you are getting close to the series finale if you will and your wife’s phone starts ringing and it is her dance instructor calling her because he just learned this new move called the dougie and he is the only one who can teach her how to do it and she has to go right now. It is like these shows get you really into it like I don’t know missionary sex or something and then they just leave you there like I don’t know your wife when she gets a phone call from her SoulCycle instructor saying he just got this brand new tandem exercise bike and needs a riding partner and apparently you live the closest to the gym so he called her and she has to go. TL; DR: a good TV show is like missionary sex and Netflix is like my dear wife, Ginelope.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the mistake on the long, winding, mud-flowing lake also known as St. Louis… Big ass arch? Check. Stinky mud-river? Check. Favorite sports are the two dumbest sports? Check and check. Very cool location for night life filled with the worst bars imaginable? Check. St. Louis has it all if you all you really want is to be in a city for three hours and see everything it has to offer.
-Looking at the arch: 10 minutes
-Looking at the Mississippi River: 5 minutes
-Ballpark Village: 45 minutes
-Contemplating your existence: 2 hours
Being within 5 hours of this city is a drain on my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I despise its existence with the same intensity that Donald Trump despises Don Jr.’s existence. The same way Don Jr.’s ex-wife despises Don Jr.’s existence. The same way that Don Jr. despises Don Jr.’s existence. If ever there was a city that had big Donny J energy it would be St. Louis. What is actually interesting is if you look up Saint Louis you will learn that he was the patron saint of boredom. It makes complete sense to me that the Cahokians straight got the fuck up out of there. I am going to do something no one on the internet has ever done before… I am going to reference a book other than Harry Potter. St. Louis is the Dead Marshes and I am Frodo. It banal lights beckon me like a siren singing a U2 song leading me to into its muddy, murky waters where I will happily escape this mortal coil. Anyway,,, would really appreciate it if everyone who reads this far could comment the largest number they can think of. The winner will get a prize!