- 3) The modern-day butler also known as Smart Devices… Used to be you would have to have a 4×8 room with a murphy bed in it if you wanted some help around the house. I remember back when I was growing up that my parents had to pay a real person to stand in the bathroom and sing while they showered if they wanted to listen to some music. “Alexa, please sing Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot.” I remember a time when you had to send a hand-written letter to a corporation in order to give them all your personal information. Yet today, in the 2,020th year of our Lord, I own a smart pillow that adjusts as I sleep and has a Bluetooth function that literally cooks my brain like a microwave so that I can continue writing good tweets. I cannot fathom living in a world where I couldn’t tell my ceiling fan to go fuck itself and have it send an email where it calls me a cuck. I currently have internet access via my fridge that I use exclusively to post testicle pics on the Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz subreddit. Is your refrigerator running iOS 13.1.3? You better go update it.
- 2) The most comfortable pair of pants in the world also known as Wrangler Jeans… If I am going to be in my backyard slinging the pig skin with other middle-aged men, you can damn well be sure that I will be wearing Wrangler Jeans. If I am sending up close dick pics to a woman I used to work with, then you know I am doing it in Wrangler Jeans. Sure, they might be called Wranglers, but nothing can wrangle this old cock into a pair of jeans. “Wrangler, wear them while you cheat on your wife” #Ad #SponsoredContent
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is the ultimate form of revenge and gloating also known as A Nice Log Cabin… Imagine walking into a heavily populated city, murdering 40-50 people and then building a house out of their corpses that all the other people who didn’t get murdered have to walk by daily. That might sound metal, but it is actually wood. More specifically, that is a wood log cabin. There is no better way to tell a bunch of trees that you do not give a single god damn shit about them than murdering their brothers and then living inside of their stacked corpses. Nothing more idyllic and serene than the site of a massacre. I can see why Robert Frost creamed his pants every time he thought about one of them.
- 3) The Super Bowl of football also known as The Super Bowl…The stadiums are oblong and therefore are not a bowl. If a giant poured milk and cereal into the stadium, it would leak out of the exits and it is therefore not a bowl. My virgin uncle isn’t weirdly good at it which means it definitely has nothing to do with bowling. I don’t get the big pomp and circumstance around it. Grown men get concussions all the time, what makes these traumatic brain injuries so special? Guess what people who live in Kansas City… You still have to live in Kansas City! Your life is no better than before, so why don’t you just calm down. Unless you’re going to go full Philly and burn down your city and literally eat horse shit for all the world to see. Then, in that case, go hog wild*
*The Puppy Bowl is cool though. It is a shame they have to put down the losing team
- 2) The biggest waste of time and money in the world also known as Haircuts… It grows back. Every time. No matter how short you cut it. Literally as you are getting a haircut the hair is growing back. People bitch about the depreciating value of a car after you drive it off the lot, but no one is complaining about the depreciating value of a haircut. I pay just as much for a haircut as I do for a car. I get the Cadillac of haircuts and I also get the Cadillac of cars. I am just going to start getting a bowl cut so I can at least look like the absolute dick head Sports Clips thinks I am.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the tv show that haunts my nightmares also known as The Masked Singer… They cancelled Detroiters yet this show not only remains on air but is the most watched show on television. Maybe. I don’t know actually. I refuse to look it up because I don’t want to become a victim of The Masked Singer targeted marketing. Celebrities dress up as animals and samurai and a cloud or some other thing and sing and then people are like, “Hey! I think that is Burt Reynolds” and everyone loves it. It is the height of entertainment. Give me a show where a real cloud sings Memory from the hit musical and not hit movie Cats. I would watch that shit for sure. Plus, the show is way to easy to figure out. Who is the masked singer in the Klan hood? Easy. Mel Gibson. Who is the masked singer with the outline of his giant dick in tight leather pants in plain view for all the world to see? Simple. Lenny Kravitz. This shit is easy. This shit is cake baby. Bought to go Uncut Gems on the Masked Singer and bet the got damn house that the lady singer in the culturally insensitive native American outfit is none other than Scarlett Johansson. This is how I win.