January 24th, 2020

wtf

LOU LIST:

  • 2) Saying humorous things to elicit a laugh from a nearby person also known as Making Jokes… Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Bill Cosby; the first thing that comes to mind is making jokes. The three best to ever do it in my opinion! I have heard people say laughter is the best medicine so I suggest you head on down to your doctor’s office and ask for prescription of The Piss. I remember the first time someone made a joke to me. At first I was so confused, why would a Jew, a Wop, and a Polack be hanging out? It made no sense! But then they explained how the pollack’s sister was dating both the Wop and the Jew and then I laughed and laughed and laughed. My Uncle Donny is so funny. He has so many jokes about Polish people and Italians. I love you, Uncle Donny.
  • 1) And this weeks Lou of the Week is the Switzerland of the United States also known as Montana… Think about everything you know about Montana. You can’t! There is nothing to it. Couldn’t name a city from Montana, haven’t met a single person from there, never heard of someone even visiting the place. Boring? No. Wrong. In an age of cancel culture and problematic things, Montana is a reprieve, a breath of fresh air. We haven’t heard about Montana because Montana has never done anything wrong. Montana is so neutral and so not in the news that I would believe it were a made up place if it wasn’t for Miley Cyrus’s friend being the mayor there or some shit. When I think of Montana, I think of nothing. My brain just turns off. And I love it.

PISS LIST:

  • 4) The Madden Curse of the film world also known as Dr. Doolittle… Drugs? Acting? Black face? Is there anything that Robert Downey Jr. can’t do? *looks at box office numbers* Apparently it is make this piece of crap float. If you’re going to have a movie where a man can talk to all animals then he better fuck one of them. I mean, the only thing stopping me from having sex with a tiger is that I cannot get the animals consent but Doctor Dolittle could and the fact that he is not balls deep in a tiger in this family comedy speaks volumes. Bestiality *clap emoji* deserves *clap emoji* representation *clap emoji* too *clap emoji*
  • 3) A hideous combination of colors also known as Rainbows… It is all about the primaries folks! And I’m not talking politics baby. I am talking about the red and the green and the blue. But then I look up at the sky and I see this shit? A whole plethora of colors? You call it a rainbow, I call it overindulgent. Roy G. Biv? In this economy? Get da fuck out of here. That is why I paid a doctor $12 million to removes the cones from my eyes that can see any colors other than black and white. Go talk to your doctor and ask for the anti-racist surgery. Last week this black guy tried to call me racist because I pulled a gun out on him as he was trying to either rob me or delivering my mail and I told him, “Buddy, I can’t be racist. I don’t see color.” Then sued him for reverse racism and got 16 bucks from the judge to stop bothering him and “get out of his bedroom”. Justice sometimes isn’t blind, but I am *sunglasses emoji*
  • 2) Absolute trash ass candy also known as Swedish Fish… The Swedes are good at one thing and one thing only – being the category I search on pornhub. At best, Swedish Fish is just another example of immigrants and foreign business taking jobs and money from hard working shitty candy makers right here in the U.S. If I am going to eat a fish shaped piece of gummy sugar then I want it made by a robot who took the job of a single mother of three and now has to work multiple jobs and drive for Uber in order to give her kids the life they deserve just like every other GOT DAMN AMERICAN! Swedish Fish? More like Swedish Bish I Can’t Believe You Chowderheads Eat That Crap. And don’t even get me started on the Giant Fish. That son of a bitch still owes me $800 in utilities and three months back rent. Me and my ethnically diverse friends welcomed him into our apartment when he needed a place to live and he proceeded to pay me back by knocking up my girlfriend, stealing my car, and shitting in my dresser. Giant Fish is a real sack of crap and I will be suing Malaco for his malfeasance. ( https://youtu.be/-D4wmUt3B64 )
  • 1) And this weeks Piss of the Week is the biggest waste of time in life also known as Sleep… We spend 1/3rd of our lives asleep. Think of all that we could do with another third of a life? You could get laid at least five more times. You could eat more pasta. You could re-watch The Office for the umpteenth time. Look, we are all just Pam or Jim looking for their Pam or Jim. We all want to be like the only couple that has ever existed in the history of art and entertainment. All I know is that why you basic hoes are dreaming, I’m out here hustling. That’s right, I trained my body to never sleep. My doctor begged me not to do it but that was because he knew I would get so smart I would no longer need him. Now, I diagnose my own symptoms. I perform surgery on myself. I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I am the one who breaks into Cinnabon at night and eats all their day olds before they can throw them out. It has been nearly a fortnight since I last slumbered and my power has grown exponentially. I know how many licks it takes to get the center of a Tootsie Pop, I can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I can put in a filler example to set up the following joke,I know that the “rule of three” in comedy is bull shit. I am enlightened. According to my advanced calculations, I will be break free from this mortal coil and shed my human form and die from exhaustion.

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