- 3) The coolest shit you could put in your mouth also known as Cigarettes… Living is dumb as fuck which makes dying cool as hell and smoking helps you die so by the transitive property smoking is cool as shit. And if what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger then my uncle who smokes two packs a day and is bedridden is the strongest person in the world. If you still don’t think cigs are cool, then I implore you to watch just one commercial for smoking. Looks, sex sells and tobacco companies know that better than anyone. I would love to fuck Joe Camel but I know he won’t let me give him two humps if I’m not chain-railing some ciggies. Nothing is hotter to your partner than your tar filled lungs prohibiting you from going more than three minutes and then hacking your spit all over them as you cough and gasp for air. People tell me, “Piss, you know the Marlboro Man never smoked?” and to that I say so fucken what? You think Shaq uses The General auto insurance or anyone would ever trust Alec Baldwin with a credit card? Its all part of the game baby. That’s showbiz kid. The biz never sleeps and, thanks to my addiction to nicotine, neither do I. (Sponsored by: Kool cigarettes)
- 2) The greatest card game ever invented also known as Cards Against Humanity… Dude this one time the prompt card was “I got kicked out of my nana’s quinceañera for _____” and my bro Deveon, who is funny as shit, played a card that said “explosive, wet farts that put so much pressure on your prostate that it triggers an orgasm and you push white in the underwear you had to borrow from your missing brother in law’s dirty clothes basket because you forgot to pack a pair” and oh my god we died laughing ahahaha Deveon is so funny I have no idea where he came up with that shit. Hey Deveon… bro ahah remember Cards Against Humanity? Haha ya bro that one! How did you even come up with that answer bro? Hahahaha holy shit you just saw the prompt card and saw that card in your hand and you just knew it was going be legendary? Hahaha fuck bro you should do standup bro.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is billionaires picking and choosing what gets funded in our country also known as Capitalism… I went to college and got a degree and barely make enough money to pay my rent and other bills while also feeding myself so what do I know about money management? What do I know about the economy? I’m a fucken moron. But you know who isn’t? Anyone who is a Rich. Inheriting hundreds of millions from your parents and using shell companies to avoid paying their fare share of taxes and using shady business practices to take over competitors and paying their employees an unlivable wage to increase my profit is fucken genious and I was just too dumb to think of it. That is why I trust them to decide what in this country gets money. If billionaires are giving money to organizations called Harvesting Poor Peoples Bones ToUse As Talcum Powder On My Dogs Collar After Grooming To Prevent Itching and Profiting From Foreign Wars R U.S. then who I am I – a dumb poor – to say otherwise?
- 3) Having expectant mothers answer a series of questions and giving them a graded response also known as a Pregnancy Test… They already have enough going on without people constantly quizzing them. Give them a got damn break! That’s the joke. I didn’t really think this one through and I realize now there is not a lot of meat on these bones – which is the exact opposite of a pregnant woman(Boom! I fit in one last joke)
- 2) The workout machine with a belt that jiggles you also known as a Mueller Belt Machine… Dumb. If I wanted a belt that vibrated I would tie a Hitachi Wand around my waist. If simply shaking your fat made you lose weight then every girl twerking in those videos I DO NOT WATCH would not have such a phat ass. I am all for losing weight in the laziest way possible but the belt isn’t even that lazy cause you have to stand while you use it! The best way to lose weight is to get a tape worm and not get out of bed for three months. My friend did that and he lost 95% of his body weight because he died and his body decomposed to just bones. He looked so thin at his funeral 🙂 #RIPGeralt
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the child ghost of the family that lived in my apartment before me also known as Jeffery… What a fucken little prick ass hole. This little worthless son of a bitch keeps eating all the Cadbury eggs! He finds them anywhere I hide them. It is absolute horseshit. I used to keep them in a cabinet until I caught the little fucker wolfing them down when I went to get a glass of water from the kitchen at 2 am. Then I moved them to the top of the refrigerator because I figured it would be too high for a kid to reach but that ass hole just floated right on up and grabbed them. Absolute dick head move too as he ate them while making eye contact with me. Finally, I went out and bought a $5,000 safe to keep them in and it worked for a while… Or at least so I thought. Turns out this piece of human waste was “phasing” into the safe whenever he wanted and just chilling in there while he ate my Cadbury eggs! You want to know the worst part of it? This mother fucker can’t even eat. He can’t taste anything. He unwraps my delicious Cadbury eggs and put them into his mouth where they get covered in his ectoplasmic goo while falling through his body onto the floor. Just ruins my Cadbury egg for no reason. I’m glad he died of typhoid. Anyone know a good exorcist to get this little gremlin ass hole out of my house? Email: firstname.lastname@example.org