November 15th, 2019


• 3) Capitalisms acceptable form of handouts also known as fundraising… As an American, I hate free stuff – unless it benefits me directly and does not benefit any minority except the ones that I know personally and like. That’s why I love fundraisers. Plus, you get to buy all that cool shit! A giant pair of scissors to cut your pizza with because cutting pizza with a pizza cutter is so boomer. A sock with a bottle opener on the big toe so every time you wear them it cuts you open, and you bleed everywhere? Sign me up. I live to pressure friends and family and coworkers into buying thousands of dollars’ worth of things they don’t want from me so my child can get a free fanny pack valued at $6. Capitalism is the shit baby!

• 2) The orgasm of the face also known as the sneeze… Love this shit. I love to sneeze. It is better than sex to me. I am bad at sex so a lot of stuff is better than sex to me, but sneezing might be the best of them. I love to expel those germs and demons out of my person. I love to make complete strangers be sort of religious for a half second. You’re right man on the bus, bless me. I deserve it! The only thing I hate about sneezing? When I think I am going to do it but then I don’t. It is the only form of edging that I don’t like (excluding from 1999-2009)

• 1) This week’s Lou of the Weeks is being the funniest guy in high school also known as quoting Super Bad… If you write original work, then you’re a damn sucker. If you have ever written an original tweet, I got a bridge in New York that I want to sell you. If you tried to think of something funny on your own, then my dad will be right back after he gets that milk. You dunderhead. You dandruffbitch. You daffodilbrain. I fucken hate you. Everyone knows the funniest people quote movies. This guy from high school – Garrod Gooseweather – had every line from Super Bad memorized and he got all the girls. Garrod was a god. He totally would have had a standup special on Netflix or a cancelled tv show on SeeSo if he didn’t get stabbed with that trident when he was recreating that scene from Anchorman. I was crying so hard. It was so funny because I was like “Dude I remember that scene too!” and also I was like “Oh damn Garrod is either a great actor or he really died.” Now all we have is this guy we call Scrint who can do the bend and snap from Legally Blonde really well. We all laugh but not quite as hard… And it always ends with a sigh remembering the time Garrod blew up the local country club golf course trying to kill a stuffed animal gopher. King shit.


• 3) Foot spaghetti also known as shoelaces… I can count on one hand – since the medical accident where doctors sewed eight new fingers onto my right hand – how many times I have came home drunk and mistakenly boiled my sneakers and covered them in red sauce for a late-night snack. That’s not even the crazy part… The craziest part is I shit the laces out and they’re tied together. A different knot every time too. I wasn’t a Boy Scout but apparently my ass hole was. It is for this reason that I support Velcro shoes or sandals or wearing thirty-three pairs of socks instead of wearing shoes. Spaghetti belongs in my mouth, not tied in knots in my toilet every weekend.

• 2) The fool’s choice also known as working hard… Working hard is for chumps, chimps, and crap asses. I have never worked hard a day in my life. If something doesn’t work out perfectly the first time I try it? Then its fucken stupidand I hate it. Why do you think I write the Piss List for a living? Because it is easy and you stupid hogs eat it up. I just have a list of 200 funny words and a book of MadLibs. I just take my list of words and substitute them into the blank to write a really pubic hair post. So far it has worked perfectly, and I am making a killing. Over 10 people a week have visited the site and those are the kind of numbers that catch an advertiser’s eye.

• 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the most entitled man in show business also known as Billy Joel… Billy Joel is known for two things: starting fires and denying it, and the song Piano Man. But what people don’t know, is that my dad is the piano man that Mr. Joel is singing about and that song leaves out a lot of important details that paint the true story of what an ass hole he is. First, the guy “making love to his tonic and gin” is named Petr and he is a Russian man born with half a brain and he can get so horny that he literally fucks alcoholic beverages. So, looks like Billy is ableist. He is also just plain rude. “Play us a song, you’re the piano man.” Umm how about a please ass hole. And just because my dad was in a horrible accident where his body was fused together with a baby grand piano does not mean you can call him a Piano Man. Also, the melody my dad is playing is actually him screaming out in pain, but his voice box is the middle C key, so it sounds like music when he cries. And don’t even get me started on that “oh, la la la, di da da la la, di da da da dum” This ass hole asks my dad to play a song and as my dad is playing his hear out – literally, his heart is 95% piano parts – this mother fucker has the audacity to sing over it. And not even real words. Just made up nonsense. What a prick.

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