- 3) Feeling like a God for a couple of hours also known as Doing Cocaine… Ok so doing coke is good I literally cannot think of any negative side effect I just feel like I have so much energy and my brain is just throbbing and when I start to stop feeling like a God I just do more cocaine and basically it is a never ending cycle that is guaranteed to make me successful in life and in work and in love I should really write a book about my life holy shit I am so fucken epic remember that one movie about the toaster who was really brave what was the name of that whatever I can’t remember the point being I was that toaster and all my friends were like a vacuum and one of those old time bags full of water that you put on your head when you’re sick or maybe it was a towel or something fuck man I feel so good I feel like a big brave toaster I don’t even care about the fact Heather left she was such a bitch for getting so mad that I was fucking her cousin like its 2019 do not kink shame but I honestly miss her and oh fuck I think I’m crashing I’ll be right back.
- 2) The mad libs of envelope writing also known as sending a letter to Canada… Canada is always saying we’re crazy because we shoot and kill each other a lot and elect racists and that one guy ate horse shit because his football team do good. But Canada is crazy when it comes to naming stuff. We’re all over here living on Main Street or Pine Road or Rules of Three in Comedy Lane while they are living on Crample Avenue and Kangaroo Court and a road really called Rules of Three in Comedy Lane. I dream of the day that, as a proud online American, I can tell people I live at 420 Piss Lane.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is the bullet proof shield of the table world also known as Coasters… I love to drink things. Coffee, tea, essential oils. But I don’t love to hold things. Pee pee, poo poo, the hand of my dying grandma. That is why I have always loved tables. Perfect place to set things down and then pick them back up. I love tables so much that, sometimes, I put another mini table on top of my table. When I do it, I like to imagine that my coaster is diving, in slow motion, in front of my table to save it from being struck by a water ring bullet. I like to imagine my table, tears in its eyes, confessing its love for my coaster as it takes its last, dying gasps of air. My wife doesn’t let me have people over.
- 3) Yearly celebration of identity theft also known as Halloween… I am an honest man. I do honest work. I honestly cheat on my wife. That is why I hate Halloween. If I see a ghoul or a goblin knocking on my front door, I honestly believe there is a ghoul or goblin knocking on my front door. I tried calling the police, but they won’t do anything. I tried calling the IRS but they said dressing up for Halloween isn’t identify theft. Every October 31st I turn all my lights out. I hide behind my couch with a 22-gauge shot gun. I pray that they won’t come. That Dracula, Princess Jasmine, or a Fortnite character won’t knock on my door. But every year they do. I remember when Kathy Griffin held up that fake head of Trump’s, so it looked like she chopped his head off. I believed that. I thought she actually did that. I thought it was an awful thing to do. I have the brain of a baby’s bottom. Completely smooth and full of shit. The doctor said I could die any day now.
- 2) The world’s largest cockblock also known as Football Helmet Face Masks… I love my friends. I want to support them. That is why I hate football helmets. The facemasks are specifically designed to keep two dudes from kissing. Patrick Mahomes should be able to throw a 90-yard no-look pass to Tyreek Hill and then they celebrate kissing. Coaches and players should be able to kiss too. This is why I love Rugby. They let guys be dudes and wear those winter hat looking things that were designed to soundproof a room. I wish I could wear a hat that looks like it was designed by Pablo Picasso in 1907.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is something that is very confusing to me also known as The Two Joe Walshes… Joe Walsh and Joe Walsh. For one, life has been good to them so far. For the other, cursed to walk this planet as a big old dumb ass. A fate I share. But both their names are Joe Walsh. One of them has devoted his life to the common good and public service while the other lied so he didn’t have to pay child support and is a deadbeat dad. I can never remember which one is which. One of them wants to be like Ted Nugent and live on a farm and one wants to be like Ted Nugent and support Trump and threaten to shoot those who don’t. Fuck they are so similar… I guess I’ll never be able to tell them apart. Anyway, it should be illegal for two people to have the same name.