- 3) The brilliant, creative minds behind That’s Right I’m Five and Lily Pad on Your Doorstep also known as Don’t Stop or We’ll Die… Paul Rust, Mike Cassady (and RIP Harris Wittels) are awesome. I don’t think this entry will be a funny one. I just want to sincerely express how excellent these guys are. The songs are absurdly funny but that almost makes me mad because the music is also legitimately catchy. It leads me to believe – much like the troops playing football – if they made serious songs they could easily dominate. Lily Pad on Your Doorstep has to be one of the funniest premises ever put into a song but, even with the pure comedy of it, there is a touch of raw emotion in there. Its an amazing song on its own. Funny or not. Fuck I just really love these guys and I’m not trying to get a job at Pitchfork so I’m just going to end this by saying please listen to them.
- 2) Giant air knives also known as a helicopter… I hate the air. It is everywhere and only our Lord Savior Jesus Christ should be able to do that. That is why I love helicopters. Giant knives that are just cutting the air up. I like to watch helicopters start up and yell “take that you son of a bitch!” at the air. Usually I only get to yell at two or three copters before the TSA tackles me again and escorts me off the runway. I am personally responsible for 67% of flights being delayed at LAX. This one time, I painted my entire naked body to look like a runway and I was able to yell at 26 helicopters before they were able to find me. They said my giant erection eventually gave away my location. I told them I just really hate the air. They told me they didn’t care about why I was erect, they just needed me to leave.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is the kindest woman in Hollywood also known as Ellen DeGeneres… Buddy, if you stand for something, you’re a chump. I’ll be friends with anyone. Adolf Hitler, Paula Dean, Denis the Menace. I don’t give a crap. If you are personally responsible for the deaths of 1,000’s of Americans and even more Iraqi men, women, and children and for destabilizing an entire region, the only thing you need to do for my forgiveness is let me borrow your lawn mower or get my mail when I’m on vacation. That is why I support Ellen. She was able to overlook all the blood on Bush’s hand while she was shaking it. That is what it means to be a tolerant liberal. I have a message for Dylan Roof, for the balloon boy, and for any other massive piece of shit out there, if you are nice to me, I will use my fame and influence to convince middle America to forgive your heinous crimes.
- 3) Big, firm, fun bags also known as Socker Boppers… These were going to go on the Lou List but then I Googled them, and, it turns out, they are not called Sock’em Boppers, they are Socker Boppers. I took one look at that and said, “straight to the Piss List with you!” What the fuck is a Socker? I know what a bopper is. That’s evident. That’s easy. That’s a fucken slice of cake baby. But a socker. That’s ignorant. That’s behooving. That’s a fucken slice of pie. Shit pie. A pie made of shit that your grandma made out of her ugly, bug-eyed Boston Terrier’s droppings. If a large, grown, ex-military man – an absolute behemoth who used to be a large son – looked me square in my beady little eyes and said, “If he fucks my wife while I am deployed one more time, I swear I am going to socker him” I would assume he wanted to play futbol with me. I would assume he was talking about getting a pair of socks while cosplaying as a confused character from Harry Potter. I would free his ass from his body like he was Dobby and I was an evil twink. I will vote for whatever candidate promises to kill the CEO of Big Time Toys.
- 2) Sudden Infant Death Syndrome also known as SIDS… Fuck whoever came up with this name. Imagine your little infant child suddenly dies and you ask, “Doc, what is it? What so suddenly killed muhbabyboy?” and he had the gall, to look you in your face, and say Sudden. Infant. Death. Syndrome. I would Sudden Doctor Death Syndrome his ass. What the fuck kind of name is that for a disease? Oh fuck, my kid is dead… He caught Death Syndrome. He passed so suddenly. Isn’t anyone’s death sudden? Living and dying are binary. Living = 1 and Dead = 0. You are either alive or dead. So, when you switch from alive to dead, it is sudden. Anything could be called Sudden (x) Death Syndrome. 89-year-old dies from cancer? Sudden Geriatric Death Syndrome. 16-year-old dies driving drunk? Sudden After-Prom Death Syndrome. When I pay a man from Craigslist to castrate me in his guest bedroom and I bleed to death? Sudden Very Funny Online Personality Who Everyone Loves and If They Don’t It Is Because They Are Jealous and Not Because He Isn’t Funny Death Syndrome. (#SVFOPWEL&IFTDIIBTAJ&NBHIFDS)
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is the traitor to Jack and all that he has given us also known as Dril… There is only one man I respect more than my father. And that is any police officer. But the only thing above a police officer is the creator, Jack Dorsey. I love this man. This God. This immortal. I Venmo every cent from my paycheck to Mr. Dorsey every two weeks. I will ensure Twitter never dies. I am a true twitter user. I am not a traitor. I am not dril. Firstly, it is spelled with two L’s. DrilL(!!!) you dunce. This man I despise. He owes his entire career to Jack. Jack made it possible for this illiterate “wint” to become an online personality. Dril is almost my peer. This does not happen without the helping hand of Poppa Jack. For him to turn his back on the hand that feeds him. For him to spit into the face of God like this. I hope he dies. How dare he use what Jack gave him to make six-figures via Adult Swim’s online streaming service. He is turning his back on all the money from getting his content stolen and copied on twitter to make what? A living? Get over yourself. Post in obscurity and poverty like the rest of us and be grateful for the engagements Mister Jack bestows upon us. Please Jack, give me one retweet… I’ve been a good little poster :- )