- 3) The Simple Solution to All My Financial Woes also known as Winning the Lottery… I owe money all across the world. I’m like Ludacris except with debt. I’m the George Straight of money because all my taxes are due in Texas and I George Straight up owe cash to every loan shark in the country. But I am not an idiot. I know they are going to come to my house and break all of my bones so I had a doctor I found on the Dark Web remove every single bone from my body. The only issue is that a lot of businesses require you to haves bones and be a functioning human being to hire you – talking with a lawyer about possible discrimination. But, on the positive side, can’t break my bones if I am gelatinous pile! I still owe all that money, plus I have to pay the “doctor” who did the surgery, and then pay for the surgery to get them all back so fingers crossed I win the lottery! (Figure of speech since I can no longer cross my fingers).
- 2) Becoming a Legend at Community College also known as Forcing My Uber Driver to Jump His Car Over the Dean’s Subway Franchise Store at Gun Point… Dean Pepperdick has really been getting on my nerves. He replaced all of the cafeteria food with Fisher Price play food to save money and I tried to eat a chicken leg because it looked very convincing and now everyone called me Plastic Chicken Leg Guy. Not a very good nickname but, to-be-fair, we are community college students so what do you expect? Imagine becoming an absolute legend at Scott Adam’s Community College of Very Well Ideas for the cost of a gun and an Uber? Sure, I failed my economics class but that sounds like a great deal to me. People keep telling me I’ll get arrested, but I just figured I would tell them I’m Banksy and jumping an Uber over a Subway is a performance art piece about capitalism or some shit. They’ll love it. I cannot wait to be a legend.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week are the Instagram Filters for Everyday Life also known as Sunglasses… Rose colored glasses are for losers. I want to see the world like I have polio. Bring on the sepia baby. Give them nice brown aviators and let me stand outside the giant glass window of the local yoga studio and stare at the women until the security guard must come out and escort me from the premises again. Imagine getting arrested for stalking in Valencia. Imagine getting beat up to the dulcet tones of Amaro for jerking off on the bus. I want to live in that world.
- 3) Proper Noun Soup also known as Rap Names… Check out the hot new rapper: Lil Baby Dog. That’s probably not a real rapper but it could be. It has three of the hot button words. Lil. Baby. And Dog. It seems like every rapper has either a Lil, or a Dog, or Baby in their name. Either that or it is long as hell and super specific like Josh the Sagittarius With Lactose Intolerant and a 420 Credit Score. What happened to cool rap names like Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five or Kurtis? When I am playing a song in my car and a friend asks who it is, I don’t want to have to reply, “Lil Dookie Boy” please.
- 2) Your Soul’s Recognition of its Counterpoint in Another also known as Love… First of all, I love Wedding Crashers. Ma… Hey Ma… meatloaf! Fuck me Will Pharrell is so funny. Secondly, love is dumb. I don’t want to care about anyone but me, my boy Travis, and ripping sick doinks.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is Dwayne Johnson’s Hidden Life also known as The Secret Life of Pet Rocks… The Rock is a bad person. People keep telling me, “Lou! He can’t be bad! He has such a big heart!” Maybe true but he also has a huge body which makes his heart actually relatively small. I don’t care that he visits kids in the hospital because he only visits to look like a good person and gain access to all those I.V.’s to recover from working out 28 hours a day. If you want rock solid proof that The Rock is a bad person – no pun intended – then just The Tooth Fairy backwards. The man is evil. And he isn’t even that good of a wrestler. I would choose Kurt Angle any day of the week over The Rock. By the way, Kurt Angle Day falls on Sunday March 15th next year so be prepared.