- 3) The Combination of my Least Favorite Thing and My Most Favorite Thing also known as a Hot Glue Gun… Hot? That’s me. Glue? That’s what I will be if my lawyer ever gets his shit together for my court case to approve my will*. Gun? No fucken thanks buddy. Hot glue guns offer way more than that just the opportunity to stick shit together while also feeling like a complete asshole who would rather be able to shoot unexpecting animals than to protect the lives of innocent children. It also offers you the chance to make glue strings.
*I want my bones to be melted down upon my death and made into a glue/paste. I want it to be bottled in packaging similar to Elmer’s Glue but it will be called Grandpa’s Glue and my grandchildren will do crafts with my melted body and my step-son Charlie will sniff it to get high.
- 2) The Radical Act of Self-Love also known as Masturbation… In a year like 2019 everyone is constantly talking about mental health and self-love. But self-love has been around since a caveman put to boulders next to each other and fucked them. Quit taking prescription poison! Stop talking to a brain nerd about your life! Start cranking your horn until you push white!
- 1) And this weeks Lou of the Week is My Million Dollar Idea also known as Don’t Get Cancelled!… First of all, dibs. This is my idea and you cannot take it. Don’t Get Canceled the newest tv show coming to BET, is hosted by Steve Harvey, and stars only white people and has only black people in the crowd. The rules of the game? Rap every single line to famous and popular rap songs but don’t say the n-word! The winner of each season is given a plastic card with Steve Harvey smiling and giving a thumbs up that entitles the owner to say the n-word one time. The fun part is, I will be canceled for even pitching this idea 🙂
- 3) The Psychical Assault on my Taste Buds also known as Bad Cooking… I had Italian food the other day and it was terrible. I was so upset. I am still upset. After tip, it cost $40+. I expected the total to be like 78 cents based off what they had served us. This is comedy because I am speaking truth to power. You hear that Big Italian? I’m coming for you greezy bastards!!!! EDIT: After posting the original list it came to my attention that Big Italian isn’t real, but the mafia is and I, cannot stress this enough, am not coming after the mob.
- 2) Greedy Asses Who Deserve to Die also known as Tall People… Global warming. We’re all going to die. Except tall people. Water levels rise 6 feet, and everyone drowns except tall people. Global warming is a plot by the Height Elite to eliminate the average and little people. It is a hate crime is what it is. But congress won’t do anything because they bought into tall propaganda like the new Netflix movie Tall Girl – which I haven’t and will not watch but assume the sequels will be called Small Girl and I’m Calling All Girls and ends with them all reporting to the dance floor. Ouch I think I pulled something stretching so far for that joke. But I digress… Tall people are an abomination. There is a finite level of height to go around and tall people are hogging it. Don’t believe me that there is a set amount of height available to the world? Then I point you to these charts and graphs I made to demonstrate that as more people are born, the average height decreases. Why do you think babies are born so short? Because they are lowest on the totem pole and must wait for people to die so they can acquire their height. I think it is time that the heightly challenged rise up and slit the throats of the Tall Beasts. (May I suggest sitting on someone’s shoulders so we can reach the throat of the Tall Beasts?)
- 1) And this weeks Piss of the Week is the Horniest Loophole also known as a Foot Fetish… I like boobs. Do you know how hard I have to work to see boobs? I have been married thrice and have seen a total of 5 boobs. My second wife, Sharyl, only let me see one boob. I imagine the second one looked a lot like the first one, but I can never be quite sure. But imagine them sons of bitches who get to see their equivalent of boobs every single time someone wears sandals. It’s a life hack and it is unfair. I wish I could have a foot fetish. Imagine how much easier life is when you can push white just by looking at some grits.