- 3) The Fresh Tunes and Smoove Melodies also known as Music… I love a good song that I can snap my fingers and tap my foot to. Except I can’t snap my fingers. My hands are so oily from my diet of fish oil pills and rolling up the cheese on slices of pizza into a ball and pretending I’m Allen Iverson that it sounds like Mackened Cheese (aka Good Pussy) when I try to snap. I also can’t tap my foot because I was born in that town where the movie Footloose takes place and after Kevin Bacon taught us to dance, we couldn’t stop, and our feet actually became so loose they fell off. The irony is not lost on me but now my only way to make a living is to do that thing where you put your shoes at the end of your knees when you kneel down and it makes you look like you have really short legs. Anyway, I really like The Beatles and the Queen cover band Almost Queen but not the original band because my father died of Mercury poisoning. Freddy Mercury poisoned my father and I am glad he is dead. That big toothed, Land Before Time mouthed son of a bitch.
- 2) Priceless and Beloved Belonging also known as Collectibles… You name a collectible and I have collected it. I mean, what else is there to do with them? Pogs? Powned them. Pokemon? Caught them all. A rare 1994 VHS of an episode of Rugrats where Chuckie dies from SIDS? I got it. Unless you’re a cop, in which case you have to tell me. Or at least let me shoot your gun at a waxing crescent moon because Mac Tonight slept with my wife in the 90’s. The only thing I don’t collect? Non-collectibles. Because I’m not a fucken moran.
- 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is The Number One Website on the Planet also known as The Piss List Returning to Bless Our Eyeballs and Our Various Hardwares and Softwares…. It must have been awful to not laugh for three months, or however long I didn’t do this for. Sorry for leaving you hanging but I was busy solving racism and the Middle East. My solution? Send all the racists and the Middle East to an island and uhh that’s as far as I got but Donnie Trump loved it. Donnie Trump et al and the Social Experiment. That doesn’t have anything to do with this entry on The Piss List but I just thought of it and I needed it out of my brain before it devoured my pre-fontal vortex. Anyway, I am glad to be back and I missed all of you. Except Matthew. Fuck you, Matt.
- 3) The Actress in Trouble for Her Tweets also known as Debra Messing… First, I want to say I am not mad at Debra Messing. Debra Messing is not a Piss. She is not a Lou either though. The person I am mad at is Mr. Sir President Donald John Trump. Fuck me Donald John is a dumb first name/middle name combo. We got president D.J. Sounds more like the Full House than the White House *pause for laugh/applause break and offer from Netflix for two comedy specials where I say getting mad at people for saying racist stuff is just as bad as being racist and everyone tells me I’m dumb and wrong but 15 years ago I was edgy and spoke truth to power so I can’t be wrong now* I am mad at Donald because he didn’t tweet her saying “Debra,,, you must be Messing around with a crap ass tweet like this” Ya’ll remember covfefe? Haha that was classic!
- 2) The Thoughts That Haunt My Brain And Will Not Cease Until I Expel Them From Within Via My Appendages also known as My Tweets… There are easy steps to follow when trying to decide if a tweet is good or not: Step 1) No tweet is good. I have things that I think about in passing, then I am unable to forget them, sometimes even after I tweet them. Donnie Trump et al and the Social Experiment. It should only be called a broadcast if it’s all women. Fingers are just the utters of the hands. Whatever it is, it haunts me. I hate the pig girl with my life. She doesnot leave the lizard alone.
- 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week are Satan’s Coloring Book also known as Cartoons… Timmy Turner what the fuck is up with your teeth? Jimmy Neutron you ole poop hair mother fucker. Tom and Jerry? How do two animals get so many guns? (answer: 2nd Amendment rights) Buying all your shit at Acme Corporation? Extremely midwestern lower middle-class family of you. Hit someone in the head with a baby grand and their teeth turn into piano keys? Bull shit osmosis is what that is. Also, a baby grand? Where a baby get $1,000 from? (see entry above) While Ye Kai Oh Tea falls over a waterfall and becomes an accordion and walks it off but Bobby Leach does it and spends six months in the hospital. We are poisoning our children’s brains and not in the good way like twitter does.