June 7th, 2019

LOU LIST:

  • 3) The Most Edited Thing Since The Radio Version of Xzibit’s Muthafucka also known as the Mueller Report… I think the Mueller Report is [Redacted – Investigative Technique]. I’ve learned [Redacted – Harm to Ongoing Investigation]. Carter Page is a big dumb bitch.
  • 2) The Horizontal Window also known as the Sunroof… This is an appreciation post about sunroofs. If you are here to read about moon-roofs, I implore you to kindly stick your head out of my sunroof while I drive under a very low bridge at 69 mph. The moon looks like it had severe acne when it was in high school. I love to look up at the beautiful night sky and see that big gray plate in the sky. I stood on my couch and cheered when that rocket stabbed that son of a bitch in the eye in Le Voyage Dans la Lun. I wish Buzz Aldrin would have punched the moon instead of that moon landing denier. The sun on the other hand, hurts my eyes when I stare at it and I have always loved things that hurt me. My ex-girlfriend, pumice stones, telling my dad I love him before he hangs up on me without saying it back, and not following the rule of three in comedy. A sunroof is perfect for when your best friend asks if he can stick his head out of it and, when he does, you spray him in the face with your windshield wiping fluid. My favorite sunroof feature is that if your hand gets within six inches of the door handle while the sunroof is closing it stops closing and allows the rain to wash away the chocolate ice cream you spilled on your pleather seats when you depression ate a gallon of ice cream in your apartment parking lot because your tinder date refused to get in your car because you couldn’t afford the real leather seats like your much cooler and better looking neighbor, Dale. Relatable content always sells well.
  • 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is Swallows… Firstly, get your minds out of the gutters you Piss Heads! I am talking about them agile motherfucking birds with the forked ass tails. Swallows are not even distantly related to swifts. I don’t know what that means but Living With Birds dot com yells it at you as their second fact in facts about swallows. According to the same website, swallows vacation in southern Spain and they don’t correct you when you pronounce it Bar-say-lone-a and not Barth-a-lone-a. Look, I don’t have anything funny to say about swallows really. They are fucking cool. I mean that sincerely. The are quick as hell. Change direction like bananas. Fly low as piss. Drink while flying. And they definitely fuck.

PISS LIST:

  • 3) The Modern Day Version of Communicating With Your Best Friend From Boy Scouts About Your Dad’s Affair Via Two Soup Cans and a String also known as Talking on the Phone… Armpits too dry? Then have I got a solution for you. The moment I pick up a telephone and dial those seven numbers (still refuse to use area codes because I don’t trust Big Alexander Graham Bell) my armpits starts pissing. Old Spice pays me two sticks of deodorant an hour to test out the strength of their new antiperspirants by talking on the phone with my aunt who keeps asking me about how my life is going. Its an affront to all that is good and holy that I am able to talk to someone I can’t see. I refuse to talk to anyone who is in a different room than me for this exact reason. Pony express me or fuck off.
  • 2) The Unacceptable Act of Birds Getting Hit by Cars… The world is huge. Like at least three USA’s big. That alone makes it baffling when an animal gets hit by a car. Use a crosswalk. If you break the law you deserve to die. Jay walk? Electric chair. Loitering? Get hung. Commit treason? Guillotine. But when you consider that birds have an entire third dimension – the sky – to move around in and not get hit by a car it just makes you so mad that you go on a bird rampage and drive your car Dukes of Hazard style off of a mulch pile and into your neighbor’s roof where a family of robins has made their nest. You know where birds can hang out and not get hit by cars? Anywhere 10 feet off the ground. Sweet baby Jesus blessed you with hollow ass bones so you can spit in the face of Sir Isaac Newton but you’re traversing the world like a depressed drunk college guy headed home to lie on the floor of his studio apartment and cry to his cat at 2 am. Get your shit together birds.
  • 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is The Sporty Hand Accessory Known As Baseball Mitts… I am, of course, watching ESPN SportsCenter while taking a fat crap. It is at full volume because the ass hole shitting next to me will not stop screaming while passing his kidney stone. I am enjoying the many hilarious bits that the geniuses at ESPN have cooked up. Laughing out my face and shitting out my ass, creating a vacuum in my stomach that will one day collapse upon itself, swallowing my rectum hole. Here is Gary. Gorgeous hair. Self-assured. Master of the coveted “Top Plays”. Coming in at number five: my favorite sport, a kid flipping a water bottle and landing it on the head of the conductor of a passing train, the impact killing him instantly. Number four: a crossfit guy curling a very large log in the middle of a crowded gym while surrounded by unlimited free weights. Number three: me typing this Piss List and putting a whole separate list inside of the list which is just a shirtless clip of me mashing my balls on my keyboard. Number two: a high school student shouting Kobe while throwing a piece of paper into a trashcan. And coming in at number one: a baseball player making a diving catch. Truly a sight to behold… A man with a specially made glove designed solely for the purpose of a catching a little round ball using said glove for its intended purpose. Awe inspiring. Wow.

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