May 10th, 2019

LOU LIST:

  • 3) The Culinary Treat Known As Mackened Cheese… Pippen and Jordan. Pippin and Merry. Big Pimpin and Spending Cheese. Famous duos that go together like Mac n Cheese. You know how after spending an hour playing in the snow during winter and you come back inside and your mom made you a big, hot bowl of mac n cheese and you eat it and can feel the warmth in your arm pits? Hell yes. Nostalgia.
  • 2) The Act of Public Service Known As Telling Joe Biden To Retire Bitch… Not even going to make a joke – if I did it would have been fucken hilarious and you all would have loved me finally – but seriously he can kiss my mf grits and retire bitch.
  • 1) And this week’s Lou of the Week is Overalls… Big shout out to Chance, the Rapper for making them popular again. More like Chance, the Overall Bringer Backer. I don’t know, doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. I don’t have the confidence to wear them or anything but they are so fucken cool. It’s like wearing two pairs of belts but instead of belts it’s your shirt. And they usually have that massive single pocket in the front that is perfect for my Zune and my Nicorette. They are basically pants that go all the way up to your shoulders and that sounds lame as hell but it also has little clips that you can get your nipples pinched in and I think more shirts need that feature.

PISS LIST:

  • 3) The Collectible Toy Sensation Known As Funko Pop… This entry is very hard for me to write because I don’t know what Funko Pop is. Definitely sounds made up. Maybe a carbonated beverage in a 80’s movie about the future? Like I said, I don’t know what it is but I do know that I hate them. They are dolls or toys or something with really small bodies and large heads. They are Beanie Babies with gigantism. They are the guy at the gym who benches and curls everyday but always skips legs, except instead of benches and curls they just lift with their skull and instead of skipping legs they skip their body. They are Scrappy Doo at the end of Scooby Doo The Movie (2002) when he is shrinking back to his normal size. It is unsettling. They are an abomination to God akin to mascots and toddlers. If I ever see one, I’m going to Funko Pop it right in the kisser. That being said, Lou Piss Funko Pops are now available in the Piss Shop!
  • 2) The Culinary Weapon Known As The Knife Missile… If you follow me on twitter, which I assume you do (if you’re reading this and don’t follow me on twitter I have no clue what your search history must be like), then you have already seen my scolding hot take that a missile with knives taped to it is a dumb idea. I think the biggest issue I have with it is that a giant metal tube weighing 400,000 pounds and flying at a rate of 124 thousand miles per hour launched from 4,000 miles away would probably be enough to kill someone even without a Gillette razor number of blades hot glued to side of it. If you asked a sixth grader to design a weapon they would draw you a knife missile. The only real upside I see to this is that I can cut the crust off of my sandwich from the other side of the world. Someone better tell my mom that she’s cancelled.
  • 1) And this week’s Piss of the Week is The Toronto Raptors… Believe it or not, The Piss Man is a sports fan. I know a lot about all sports. Baseball? Stupid fucken boring. Hockey? Puck needs to be bigger so I can see it. Soccer? Perfect as is. So, with my impressive sports knowledge, you can be sure I know what I am talking about when I say that the Toronto Raptors done fucked up. Why don’t they simply sign guys who can jump 20 feet in the air anymore like they did in the 90’s? Or bring back an old looking 6th grader who has the name of a mob boss? How about those jerseys? A mufucken raptor dribbling a basketball? That’s the version of Air Bud that I want to see. Not Kawhi Leonard’s boring ass in his New Balances. Quick question: did Charles Oakley invent the douche bag sunglasses or was that like his brother or something?

““Chuck! Chuck, it’s . Your cousin, Dustin Oakley. You know that new look you’re looking for? Well, look at this!”

Dustin Oakley, creator of the Oakley sunglasses

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