- 3) The Gentleman’s Parlor Game Known As Billiards (or pool if you have never referred to all Hispanic people as Mexicans before)… The best thing about someone owning their own pool stick is you can tell their stepdad verbally abused them. Billiards is part of the Default Programming Trifecta on ESPN along with darts and bowling. I love to watch pool trick shot videos on YouTube if only to just see what true devotion to being a lifelong virgin looks like. First of all, if you are trying to hit the balls hard, I suggest swinging it like a baseball bat. Furthest a pool ball has ever been hit? 9 feet. The furthest a baseball has ever been hit? 575 feet. You do the math pool nerds. Also, is your sport really a sport without your best athletes injecting their asses with tons of H.G.H.? I won’t consider it a sport until they can all run 4.34 non-wind aided 40-yard dashes and bench press 225 pounds 40+ times. I need billiard players who roid rage and break the pool stick over their own head. I wanna see them flip a table. I wanna see a step-dad tell his step-son that he loves him.
- 2) Movies But Not The Bad Movies, The Good Ones… Nothing is better than a movie, except if it is a bad movie (which is worse than a movie) or a good movie (which is better than a movie). “The book was better though” Well the movie never made me think the word omnipotent was pronounced ahm-knee-potent so kiss my illiterate behind, nerd. My friends wanna go make memories? Fuck off, I’m watching Joe Dirt 2. My girlfriend wants to spend quality time with me? Maybe after I’m done with Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo babe. My dad is dying of Alzheimers? Then I guess he won’t remember this sick ass reference to The Borne Ultimatum that I’m about to make. Good movies are like sex. It requires acting and we all wish Sam Rockwell was involved.
- 1) And this weeks Lou of the Week is Lori Loughlin… Stars, they’re just like us! As dumb as my asshole. If you would have asked me in 2002 if the person who designed the clothes behind the Mossimo fashion brand would be going to prison in 2019, I would have said two things: that this was 17 years too late and that 2019 was wild for making it against the law to make shitty clothes. Probably my favorite thing to come out of this scandal, besides all the rich kids finding out their parents assumed they were too fucken stupid to get into college on their own, is what Lori Loughlin’s personal life section on wikipedia looks like now. It starts off with some stuff about her being Catholic (probably the biggest scandal she had been tied to previously), being married and divorced and then eloping with an ugly shirt maker, selling her expensive homes, but now there is a massive paragraph about how she is going to go to prison. I love it. Full House sucked ass and Aunt Becky was the worst character on the show (the best being Dave Coulier because Alanis Morissette confirmed that he fucks). Honestly I’m glad they got caught. Next time just apply to University of Phoenix; at least their life long crushing debt and worthless piece of paper come with some slick ass red socks.
- 3) Tits… Honestly I am over them. Give me a girl with a nice supple brain and a big honking personality who will let me do feet stuff.
- 2) Movies But Not The Good Movies, The Bad Ones… Nothing is worse than a bad movie, except maybe troops not being respected. Bad movies include anything without Paul Walker, anything not directed by Quentin Tarantino, or anything that passes the Bechdel Test (excluding Mama Mia and Mama Mia 2). I need a movie starring an actor who looks like the coolest guy from my high school but is also somehow a worse actor than that kid would be. I need a movie that shows women’s feet too much and compliments that by having everyone say the n-word 30-40 times. And I don’t need broads talking, unless they’re singing ABBA at each other. Re-animate Paul Walker’s dead corpse and make Weekend at Bernie’s 4: Tokyo Drift you cowards.
- 1) And this weeks Piss of the Week is The Auditory Entertainment Known As Music… What is music except a bunch of 1’s and 0’s? If you stream music on Spotify or Apple Music or Napster, congratulations on listening to what are basically remixes of the dial up tone. What about live music, Lou? First of all, call me Mr. Piss you worthless little puss-worm. If you pay money to go to a concert and listen to live music you’re a got damn fool. A total fucken dingus ass dunder head. You are breathtakingly ignorant. If I wanna watch a live concert taking place near me, I simply watch the snapchat story of anyone who never left their hometown. Florida Georgia Line? I saw them live without ever getting off my toilet. Bruce Willis playing harmonica? Watched it without ever getting off my toilet. Interpol? You guessed it… on the toilet. The doctors are worried about how much I’m shitting but I just tell them I got the best seat in the house.