- 3) The People Who I Would Consider Haters and Losers… Look, I might not support much of what Trump does – except all the fucking *heavy metal air guitar solo riff*. But what I do support is his attitude towards haters and loser. The four smartest people I know (Ice T, Dril, Trump, and Jose Canseco) all give big shout outs to their haters. In the wise words of a meme the dumbest guy I went to high school with posted on his Facebook page with a caption that just said “thats the fax”… https://motivationping.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/hater-quotes-768×664.png. Every day I wake up with puffy eyes from crying in my sleep and every night I eat two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Dastardly Mash Ice Cream. For all your BenJ Heads out there who are calling bullshit because Ben n Jerry stopped making that flavor in 2008 due to the housing market crash, I used the money from my third mortgage at the time to buy and store 39 tons of the flavor. I have been masterly brash about my Dastardly Mash and spent all the banks bastardly cash in my haphazardly past. Even with tears in my eyes and 11 year old ice cream in my colon, I still have to say to my haters and to the loser.. KISS MY MF GRITS BABY I’M LIVING THE GOOD LIFE!
- 2) The World’s Greatest Work of Literature AKA Pornhub Comments… Did you just crank your hog? Did you just shoot your rope like a cowboy who’s partner is being hung and you have to save him? Did you just fall asleep for five minutes? First of all, congratulations on the sort of sex! Your reward? Guilt and someone saying the actress looked like their sister and that made them last only 20 seconds. The internet is fun :- )
- And this weeks Lou of the Week is…. Walruses. Wilfred Brimley looking mothers who desperately need Invisalign. Their facial hair isn’t just for mustache rides, those whiskers can help them locate food! But can they help them see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch? You remember those commercials? That’s when cereal commercials were good and were racist towards Jamaicans. But the commercials now-a-days have Krave practicing vore and less racism. (I say less because I’m pretty sure Toucan Sam is an anti-Semite)
- 3) The Act Of Getting Shot In The Dick… RIP Grandpap.
- 2) The Outrage Culture Sheep Who Are Mad At Shane Dawson… Who here among us has not lost control of their load and let one get away from them? Are men not imperfect? Are we not flawed creatures who make mistakes? In the wise words of Chris Crocker circa 2007, “LEAVE SHANE DAWSON ALONE!” Has anyone even interviewed the cat? Maybe it was consensual? And who here can judge a consensual act between a man and a cat? If you cancel Shane Dawson, its only a slippery slope until you cancel Garfield comics. And sure, cumbing on a cat is not exactly the best thing someone can do, but maybe that was a better choice? Maybe he was about to nut and the only other thing around him was a stack of Bibles and a signed Walter Payton rookie card. Was it not the more innocent and pure choice to shoot his rope on his cat? That’s what I thought.
- And this weeks Piss of the Week is The Form Of Environmental Terrorism Known As Push Ups… Hey Piss Heads, I’m going to be serious for a second: I AM P.O.’ed ABOUT P.U.’s! This is something I am very passionate about because I love Mother Earth and I will Krov Maga any mf’er who messes with her. So I am putting you on notice, Push-Up’ers! I will push YOU up a hill only to watch you roll back down it. I will Sisyphus your ass brother. Every time you do a push-up, you push the Earth down. As you push the Earth down, sea levels remain the same height, as they are oceans and are unaffected by land movements. As land levels lower and sea levels remain the same, we become more and more underwater. This has confused many scientist who assume water levels are rising because they fall to take into account the Push-Up Displacement (PUD) Theory. PUDs are all around the world but is most commonly seen at the gym. Planet Fitness, Gold’s Gym, and Bally’s Total Fitness are overrun by PUDs. In my research, I have found evidence (linked here: https://media.tenor.com/images/e05edb150f6628b4d4682925d7ad020b/tenor.gif and here: https://thumbs.gfycat.com/FlawlessExhaustedKittiwake-small.gif) that proves the lost city of Atlantis was actually inhabited by muscular men with large chests. The man with the largest and most muscular chest would be regarded as the King of Atlantis so men used to do push-ups all day in the hopes of becoming the new king. All of these PUD’s caused Atlantis to sink to the bottom of the ocean. I contacted Borders to try and set up a book deal for me to expose the truth but someone out there knew my book would be too dangerous and had, behind the scenes, pulled strings and caused Borders to go out of business 8 years before I started my research. If you are questioning the science behind my claim, I invite you to simply google “Newton’s Third Law of Motion” you stupid fucken moran… Are you back from a quick deep dive in Newton’s Laws of Motion? Great. Now you can’t dispute my claims because of science. And if you fucken try it, I will put your ass to rest and, buddy, it will stay at rest.