- 3) The nourishment practice known as Eating… As far as getting nutrients into your body and stopping your tummy rumbles, nothing beats it! I have tried other methods like cramming it into an ear, osmosis, or cutting my stomach open and inserting a Five Dollar Subway Footlong Club directly into the open wound but nothing compares to Eating.
- 2) The sports movement known as Dunking a Basketball… Personally, I think more sports should try dunking. Imagine how much easier it would be to score simply by picking up a soccer ball and just slamming it into the goal. I don’t know why you would waste your time with a lousy free throw (WORTH ONLY 1 POINT!!!!) or the Dunks bastard cousin “The Layup”. A layup? What is this? The 1930’s? The only thing more upsetting than a layup is a three pointer which is basically just a layup from really far away. Oh word? It’s worth three points? Buddy I don’t give a shit. Perhaps the best thing about Dunking is when a 7 foot 4 white guy can barely do it. Love watching a guy who has to jump negative three feet to touch rim barely be able to do what I see 5 foot 3 guys do on YouTube daily. Love to watch Dunk videos on my iPhone 6 Plus.
- And this weeks Lou of the Week is My Mom : ) Just kidding, its actually motocross. Which my bitch ass mom wouldn’t take me to in 8th grade because I was failing language arts. Which was bull shit. Its not my fault I was failing. I read at a 1st grade level. Like Jesus H. Christ mom, I wanted to see Travis Pastrana do a heel clicker while jumping over a Make-A-Wish kid, not read Holes by Louis Sachar. Fuck Stanley Yelnats, I only care about Anartsap Pastrana baby.
- 3) The beta version of humans known as Children… Shitting and pissing yourself is for college kids you fucken posers. Look at me, I’m a Children and I can barely walk. How adorable. How cliche. Get over yourself. As a full grown human person I can run and jump and shoot absolute ropes of cumb.
- 2) The Time That Storm Was Forced By His Parents To Delete Part Of His Blog Post On Bury Me In Pleather… My friend Storm used to write a blog called Bury Me in Pleather on this same website. I don’t know if he still updates it but he used to and I loved it. He used to keep a running power ranking of his friends and list why they moved up or down that week and beside being extremely funny, it was actually pretty interesting. He also wrote a blog post about hanging out in the Mountain Dew Chill Zone in a mall in Des Moines, Iowa. At some point in the blog post he made out with his dad and I cried laughing while reading it. I went to show it to someone or read it again, and that section was deleted because his dad was pissed Storm wrote about making out with him. Coward. Bring back the Pleather please.
- And this weeks Piss of the Week is Twitter Accounts With A Large Number Of Followers Who Sometimes Write Bad Tweets But Because So Many People Follow Them They Still Get 500 Favorites… With today being International Women’s Day, I feel as if this is the perfect time for this take: Twitter accounts with thousands of followers who get 500 favorites on tweets we all know are bad is the same thing as women getting paid 70 cents for every dollar a man makes for doing the same job. So where is our International Underappreciated Posters Day? Nancy Pelosi, your silence on this enduring crisis is deafening. I am sick and tired of tweeting solid gold like: “pissometrists study the piss” and getting two likes while James Corden tweets crap like: “I’m sorry but I will be taking a break from social media and my late night show. My father has passed away and I need time to grieve before moving forward. Thank you to all my fans for understanding.” and he gets 27.4k retweets. Its bullshit and I am sick of it.