- 3) The seating concept known as Chairs… Call me a flip flopper. Call me John Kerry circa 2004. Call me a 1996 movie about a dolphin with a budget of $25 million and box office of $20 million. Call me whatever you want, but I have changed my mind about Chairs. Let me tell you, I am in love. This past weekend I spent 74 hours sitting in a Chair, his name is Benjammen and he is from Ikea, that completely changed my life. Sure, there are only 80 hours in a weekend — I live by the Posters Calendar™ where the weekend starts Thursday night at 8 and lasts until Monday at 4 am — so that means I spent all but six of them pleasuring my leg tiddies in a Chair. What did I do for those six hours I wasn’t sitting down? Simple, I stood up. Consecutively. For six hours I stood perfectly still. Knees completely locked out, legs shaking, and butt yearning. At exactly six hours of standing, my legs buckled and I collapsed back into Bejammen. I have trained my body to collapse like this as the final step in man’s evolution. By the year 2033, standing will be completely obsolete and I cannot wait. Perhaps the best part of spending my weekend like this is the opportunity to display my famous wit when someone asks me what I did this weekend and respond “I been jammin’ my tinny rump into Benjammen.” Because of this, all my coworkers assume I am homosexual but I assume they all do not know how gay sex works because they think its just mashing butt to butt. If only.
- 2) The fact that Eminem is really upset Netflix is cancelling the show The Punisher… I mean come on, of course he is.
- 1) And this weeks Lou of the Week is my billion dollar tech start up/cryptocurrency idea ShipCoin… ShipCoin, which is short for Relationship Coin, is a cryptocurrency that couples can use to pay each other for nice gestures or charge each other for negative things their partner does. Buy your girlfriend flowers? That’s 5sc (real life value of 1 ShipCoin fluctuates between 27 cents and 42 million dollars). You give your boyfriend an over the pants hand job? He pays you 10sc. Your fiance Shannon cheats on you with you best friend Tyler while you were at dance lessons to surprise her when you shared your first dance at your wedding and she breaks your fucken heart like the cold bitch that your mom warned you she is and that you will never take back no matter how many Edible Arrangements she sends me? She’s paying you 100sc baby. ShipCoin is the first relationship blockchain, or “ballnchain” if you will. ShipCoin shares many features with more prominent cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Pisscoin. (ADVERTISEMENT: RENEW YOUR PISS LIST SUBSCRIPTION FOR ONLY 15 PISSCOIN A MONTH) In other blockchains, if you control the majority of blockchain nodes then you can alter the blockchain. With ShipCoin, simply date 51% or more of the girlfriends to alter the ballnchain. ShipCoin is a decentralized cryptocurrency that relies on “Network Girlfriend Consensus” to ensure girlfriend-boyfriend pairings are accurate and current. But perhaps the best part of ShipCoin is that couples in struggling relationships can buy excess ShipCoin from strong relationships in order to improve the current relationship they are applying their ShipCoin to. Its basically like bitcoin but it makes less sense and wastes more resources.
- 3) The popular(?) app known as TikTok… Just bring back Vine but without the Paul brothers or anyone else remotely associated with them and just make it all porn. The six second Vines are perfect for me to bork off to because, after I cumb, I still have three more seconds of something to watch while I sponge bath myself clean post nutt. Also Bloomberg already made TicToc and it confused me at first because I thought preteens were just really getting into CSPANN or some shit.
- 2) The act of your thicc thighs rubbing together and creating a hole in your pants by your little dick… My thighs are meaty. My dick is small. And my shame is large. As I walk, two tectonic plates known as my thighs grind together causing an earthquake in my girlfriend’s loins that a better man could satisfy; but alas, I am not a better man. As stated previously, my microscopic hog is less of a wild boar and more of a teacup pig and I can satisfy no woman. Cucked by my own cock. Amazing. In the same way that I cannot satisfy my girlfriend’s lust for my thunder thighs, no pant can satisfy my lust for not getting a remarkable hole near my unremarkable manhood. My thigh problem is two-fold. The first of which being that the friction causes a great heat that has, essentially, cooked my cumb and rendered me barren. The second, and equally shameful, issue being that the constant thigh grind wears away the fabric leaving my pants holier than the Pope’s Swiss cheese <pause for laugh break> I am going through pants at an exponential rate and I have not the funds to keep up. What I am trying to say is, my thigh fry pries flies causing sly spies to side eye my dry guys. I have considered purchasing a few Carhartt winter jackets and sewing the material into my crotchal region to provide my pants with stronger material and, hopefully, more durability. Me and the boys in the lab are still in the animal testing stages so I’m not sure if this strategy will work. So far, we have found the thiccest mice possible and fed them tons of cheese and made them do nothing but squats to build up their leg girth. Then we sewed them tiny blue jeans and had them run in their wheels to simulate the same thigh rub effect that I experience daily. I’m sure some of you are asking why not use monkeys? Simple, its because the mouse’s dick is much more similar to mine.
- 1) And this weeks Piss of the Week are the two cereal brands known as Pops and Kix… Those of you who know me know that I have had an ongoing feud with both Pops and Kix cereals. One of these brands is delicious while the other one is utter garbage that I would not even feed to my thicc mice and I, for the life of me, can never remember which one is which. The names? Too close. The boxes? Too similar. My brain? Too shitty. I can’t count how many times I’ve been burnt by thinking I’m buying the brand I like but I’m actually buying the disgusting knockoff version. But that’s due to me only being able to count to three and it happening more than three times. I think the perfect analogy here is that movie Twins with Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. One of the cereals is this sexy, delicious, amazing thing and the other is Arnold Schwarzenegger. I would write a strongly worded letter to the brand I hate and urge them to please stop making their product if I could only remember which is the one I like.