- 3) The pasta dish Tortellini… They jam some mother fucking cheese up in that thick binch and that’s just economics 101, baby.
- 2) The wonderful human being known as Paul Rudd… I have long been saying that Paul Rudd needs to be in more movies and TV shows and also my friend. I saw this movie that I am now pretty sure I dreamed up because I literally can’t find a single thing online that proves it exists. Actually fuck this ranking, someone help me prove this movie is real. It has an actress who is either Goldie Hawn or just looks like her. I tried googling “Actress like Goldie Hawn but not her” and it surprisingly yielded no helpful results. Basically the Goldie Hawn character is a TV producer or writer or some shit and the show she works on is god awful and they are gonna cancel it. That doesn’t make sense though because they seem to only cancel good shows – Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Detroiters, Veronica Mars – but regardless she is on the chopping block and is desperately trying to come up with stuff. The TV show is about a school or something because one of the jokes is that all the 28 year old actors/actresses are playing 17 year olds hahahahahahahahahahhaha Paul Rudd was a character they brought on for a three episode story arc but then he improvised some stuff and it was so good they kept him and he was legit hilarious in this atrocious movie and that’s when I was like holy hell this guy is good and funny and no one has accused him of sexual assault or blackface or anything (please don’t alert me of any such allegations because he is the one good guy in the world in my mind and last week I learned Dennis from It’s Always Sunny is apparently anti-vax and I seriously can’t handle any more bad news)
- 1) And your Lou of the Week is the twitter account known as @itshellworld… I used to sing that Paula Cole song when I was younger and dream some day about meeting a burly, hard, tough fella and then I met the artist formally known as Mu and realized that cowboys are actually hilarious, ponytailed twinks. He was born and raised in a different state than me and attended college in a totally different state which is important because it provides background for this crazy story I’m about to tell. Before turning 21 he bought a really nice fake ID. The person making it told him to pick one state and out of the 50 he chose the one I was born and raised in. Then he had to choose a city in the state to be born in and he chose my city. And then he had to pick a street to have grown up on and he picked my street. THEN he had to pick his address and he picked – you guessed it – not mine. But it was right down the street. This all happened three years before we ever interacted on twitter too. He saw one of my dumb shit tweets and followed me and then I checked out his tweets and they were also dumb as shit and I was like awesome kindred souls and followed him back. Then one day he deleted his twitter because his brain was rotting (all our brains are rotting you coward) and he was gone from my life forever. Psych! A mutual had slid into his DM’s and got his number and when I complained about him being gone she was like oh here have his number and then I texted him and now we talk every day. He even came and visited me over Christmas break and spent three days with me and my girlfriend. We took him to where he grew up down the street from me and did a photo shoot in front of his childhood home. It was amazing and I love him dearly. So as awful as twitter is, it brought one of my best friends into my life and if that doesn’t make up for all the Nazis on there its because nothing can ever make up for that.
- 3) The movie Smallfoot… First of all, the opposite of a Bigfoot is a Littlefoot and it was really disappointing because I was expecting another installment in the Land Before Time-iverse. Also there is some weird sexual chemistry between British Guy and Meechee and I don’t wanna be racist but I don’t think humans and yetis should have sex. Oh great now, I’m gonna get cancelled for saying that but I’ll also get a show on Fox News so win some lose some. This movie should have been Gabriel Gundacker’s “Zendaya is Meechee” music video on loop for 2.5 hours.
- 2) The website Word Press… maybe its just a theme for me to hate every website I get on – twitter, farmers only, aarp.com – but I really don’t like this website. Probably because I signed up for the free version and I’m also a massive dumb ass (I misspelled dumb ass the first time because I thought it was one word if that proves my point) but this shit is so hard to use. I feel like I need to know C++ to use it but I’m more like F–. Look I just wanna be able to create the next big tech startup and become a multi billionaire who accidentally gives a one dollar tip to a waiter and calls himself a fullonrapist. But this website is really jamming up my shit and not in a sexy way.
- And this weeks Piss of the Week goes out to the seating concept known as Chairs… Honestly I have had a bone to pick with chairs ever since one murdered my family. I used to wander the streets looking for a chair to start something with me so I could kill it. And that’s fine because the star of Taken 4: Granted said it was normal and I believe him because I love and respect him dearly. Most chairs are really uncomfortable which is crazy because I am almost positive that the people who make chairs also sit in them so how could they not understand the way the human body sits? I really like how the plastic makes your butt fall asleep and the back of the chair forces you to lean forward and it just absolutely fucks up your back. Its great. I love to take a seat in a nice comfortable chair and then never be able to walk again. If I was Alex Jones, and I pray that someday I am, I might claim their is a secret alliance between Big Chiropractor and Big Chair and then I’d probably lose custody of my kids and dress up as a gay frog. One of those I already do so the only stopping me from being Alex Jones is finding a woman to carry my seed to fruition and then spending my entire life embarrassing everyone who used to love me. Shout out to my mom and dad.